Workout fuel...

Disappointment. Pain. All the times they said you can't. All the times you feel you failed. All the problems you have with yourself, your image, your actions...all of it. All of your frustrations.

The list above has a lot of things that can be destructive...and they're all what's on my mind right now. Instead of falling back to some of my old habits, I'm using them as fuel for my running.

After he texted me and we ended off, I ran about five miles to clear my head and just get it out. All the negativity and self-doubt are fuel to make myself better now...it hurts sometimes when those wounds are ripped open, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and figure out how to put things together in a positive way.

A lot of athletes I've known have been in the same boat. To some degree, we're all trying to prove our worth to others and often to ourselves. In many ways, we're our own worst enemies, focusing on the negatives to the exclusion of the positive. There is a lot of negative, that's a given, its part of life, but then again maybe things are meant to be.

I may be down for the count, but I'm not out. Like I always do when I fall, I will pick myself back up, dust off and keep on going. I'll turn this pain into something positive and I'll be better for it. Yeah, it gets tiring having it happen as many times as it has, and sometimes I wish things were easier...but then again, nothing worth it in life is easy. Maybe finding a decent guy, like getting in shape and improving my mile splits and sparring, will take a lot of work on myself before it happens. If so, then maybe, just maybe, the work and wait will be worth it.

I feel like maybe I should end this on a positive note, so here's a shameless self-esteem boosting song. Hopefully, I find my own spark within and let it out for the world to see...

I really am my own science experiment...

So today I decided to mess around with my nutrient timing and intake to see what effect it had on my workouts.

I had a pre-workout meal at 10:00 for my 12:30 workout and it didn't make a huge difference that I noticed. Then again, my lunch workouts are pretty easy; basic weights for 30 minutes focused on specific areas (today was shoulders/arms) and 20 minutes of vinyasa yoga aimed at runners (help open up those damned hips and lengthen those damned hamstrings). The recovery meal seemed to help a bit, which was nice.

So I had a meal at about 4:30 or 4:45 for my evening workout along with a snack at 7:15, 45 minutes before that workout. The evening workouts are always killer because they're the circuits my trainer came up with, and today was no exception. Burpees w/pushup and barbell push/press, pullups with mixed grip (one hand over, other under), barbell front squats, kettlebell lifts and reverse incline crunches. Yep...gonna be feeling it in the morning, but I love it!

I tried NO Xplode a week or so ago, but got sick because I tried it on an empty stomach. I'm thinking of trying it again, along with a preworkout meal about an hour before my workout; mostly carbs with some protein. I think it'll really help make me a bit less sluggish for the workouts and might help make them a bit more intense, which is always fun.

Very frankly, it has been a hell of a week with work and some personal matters, so I welcome any distraction from it all, even if I end up hobbling around like an old man the next day because of the soreness. That last part was a joke and dripping with sarcasm in case any of you missed that.

Anyways, a couple songs that helped bring out some of what's going on inside of me so I could channel it out into my workouts (see, working out can be therapeutic):





Well, that's really all I have. Tomorrow is another lunch run on the trail and maybe a longer run in the evening if I'm up to it. If not, some heavy bag work and bodyweight martial arts type training/cardio.

Coming back from the off-season sucks

This week has been hell with training to say the least, but I love it!

It all started Monday with a bit of interval work on the treadmill because of weather up here. I should note that I absolutely hate running on treadmills, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
After 20 minutes of that, my shin splints were back in full force and my ankles were kind of cranky as well. I went slow on the speed for the most part...guess my body just has to readjust.

Tuesday was weights and I have a whole new set of circuits that my trainer came up with just for me! And I'm pretty sure he wants to kill me. I woke up this morning hurting like hell in my lats, shoulders and pecs from the circuit yesterday. I love the flow and how it makes me work, but damn I haven't been this sore in a while.

Today I finally got to run outside on the trail by my office. It was really nice, even though my ankles and shins acted up again. I need to remember to bring my tape for the shins and some ibuprofen for my ankles...I only ran 3.2 miles, so nothing special but it was still a good warmup after having been exercising indoors since the end of November.
When I got home, I did some punching work on the heavy bag and about ten minutes on my foam roller to work out any tight spots before I do some yoga before bed. I'm shifting some focus over to flexibility training in my hips, shoulders and hamstrings for my martial arts.

Its really weird that my IT bands get tight from almost anything I do except running. I know a ton of runners who have IT band problems just from running...but anytime I run, mine end up with less hot spots than normal. Crazy body of mine, I guess.

Tomorrow I have a workout with my trainer, so I better prepare for the pain.

Be like water...

变化. Bian(4) hua(4). Change.

As I've looked around at many things; my city, my home, my life, even specific stores and places, it has become very clear that nothing is permanent. Life is but a series of events, some related and some not...

When many start training, myself included, we have a goal in mind, a destination: A black belt. A competition. To drop a certain number of pounds. To gain confidence or regain lost confidence.

As we train, some reach their goal and call it good. Others find new goals to pursue and other still find that their training, like everything else, is in a constant flux. These ones realize that perhaps it isn't about a goal or destination...but that maybe it is about the journey.

Today I had to pick up some things, so I went to a particular couple stores I hadn't gone to since my ex still lived with me, and one had completely changed its layout while the other had not.
During my busride to the stores, memories flooded; as I passed by the Japanese Cultural Center at Mukogawa I could almost hear the faint sound of the taiko playing Ogi Matsuri in the warm summer with the main door open. As I passed by my old community college, I almost expected my old crew to be out there somewhere waiting for me to show up...all my groups of friends that I've had, many of whom I've lost contact with.

The people in the taiko group I practiced with have all moved out of the area and the SFCC campus has completely changed since I was a student with new construction and destroying of old buildings.

Over the past year, I've dealt with a lot; douchebags and relationships with them, news of my grandpa's health and impending death, a textbook case of existential crisis and a lot more. I've also been confronted very often with demons from my own past, and I think that I finally have dealt with them in a positive way.

One thing many will never understand is that as a martial artist, one eventually turns inward and what we learn is applied to one's self. It is the source of that mystical inner peace that the masters seem to have...and a skill I am still learning myself.

I've learned one thing over the past year, and that is that nothing will ever be guaranteed. Friends grow apart, relationships fizzle out and goals change as we grow. The only constant in life is change. We cannot fight it, as much as we may want to (and believe me, I know from firsthand experience on this one), because it will happen. There is no way around it and never has been. The ancient Chinese were on to something when they developed the I Ching. The Buddha was on to something when he discovered impermanence...sages throughout the ages spent the majority of their lives just discovering that much.

Rather than fight or resisting change, we must adapt and change ourselves (i.e. personal growth). As life goes on, most of us get better at it and realize that by changing, we grow into a new and often more complete person.
It isn't always easy, though...we sometimes cling to the past, to "better" days, because we want to experience the joy and feelings that we once had. But we can't.

A band I once saw live before they broke up has a song about this. It didn't make much sense when I was 20 and saw them, but it does now.


In sparring, a student eventually learns many things:
-Never anticipate and have only one counter ready; if you anticipated wrong, you'll likely get struck.
-each event occurs only once. The Japanese have a saying: 一期一会, one life, one meeting. You may spar an opponent many times or see a technique done by many people, and each time is unique and will never be repeated. Your styles, techniques and art will all grow and develop. No two matches will ever be the same.
-The only way to be successful is to be like water. Flow, adapt, move...

Perhaps through my musings today, I've realized something that I learned over the years...that I've finally learned to be like water in some ways. I've finally learned how to live and enjoy moments for nobody knows when my last one will be. Maybe, I've finally learned to let go of the past and accept it for what it has made me. Maybe, just maybe, I've finally learned how to make some peace with myself.

Be like water...and it will all be okay.

On knowing my own strength...

Know your own strength.

That's the line from my gym, Gold's, and it is everywhere in their advertising and the motivation posters throughout the actual gym itself. I've even saved and printed a few for my desk at work.

Looking around, I decided to list a few things that remind me of my own strength and why...some more positive than others, but all are there and all have shaped who I've become and who I will be.

1) My gym membership keychain. The first major step I took to healing after a three-year long relationship ended. I was joined by a friend who was in a similar spot and one who had been there. To this day, that gym is my space. My ex worked out there for a while, but didn't feel right. That's because it really is my space. Now I have a trainer there who pushes me to the brink, and I'm finding out I'm stronger than I ever thought before.

2) My green sash. A year and a half ago, I never thought I'd take up a martial art, much less progress as I have. My sash is proof; everything I've learned is mine. I own it and it cannot ever be taken away.

3) My yoga mat. My sanctuary. It is here that I started finding inner peace through physical measures, and those lessons have only been expanded upon. No matter what else I do, I always return to my yoga; it relaxes, nutures and re-invigorates me.

4) My playlists. I have a few for the gym and one for each race I've run so far...I'm working on one for my next race as well. They all reflect what was going on in my life when they were made and are frozen in time; reminders of my motivation and what makes me tick.

5) My Missoula half-marathon medal and photo set. My first 13.1 mile run, my pain, my glory, my insecurity, my triumph. Nobody will ever be able to take away what I did that day and nobody will ever be able to claim ownership of those 13.1 miles I ran.

6) The memory of those six faint lines on my left upper arm. Memories of an action I'm not very proud of; the time I hurt myself because of someone else. It wasn't anything more deep than a cat's scratch, but they were self-inflicted. A reminder of when I was weak and didn't know better and a warning never to sink that low again.

7) My dog tags. I've had a pair since I was in 9th grade and recently had a replica of that set made to wear daily (I don't want to lose my originals). They remind me of the years I spent in turmoil because of where I was, who I was and who I was attracted to. They remind me of the physical and mental gains I had in those four years of AFJROTC and my transformation into the leader that I am today. Others saw in me what I did not see in myself and they threw me into positions I didn't know I could handle, but I did and that was when I first discovered my strength.


I am a renegade athlete; I train for myself and generally by myself. Yes, I dabble in team sports. The training I do most, my running and martial arts, are individual, and many people cannot fathom that. They can't understand training on your own or having to push yourself to the extreme. They cannot ever know what makes an athlete like me tick because we function on a different level than they do. They enjoy the camaraderie of their sport, knowing their place and playing it well, then celebrating victory with their teammates. I never have that and will not by choice. My victories are entirely my own, my ranking up in martial arts is mine and mine alone. The path I choose is almost spiritual in nature; it really is only me out there when I'm running. The world ceases to exist and I am in my own space, dealing with my own problems and forcing the pain into the back of my mind as I keep going along the path. It isn't weird to me to go for a run at midnight or any other 'strange' time because it is how I deal with things. I don't ever expect that anybody will understand how I tick, and I am okay with that. Still, I offer this fleeting glance into the workings of my mind...when I have next to nothing in my bank account, when I have to borrow from an ex because of problems, when I have nothing else left going for me, I still have my strength and every day I find out how strong I really am.

My identity as a capoeirista part II

Over the past year I've grown in my game and become comfortable with it. My ginga now has its own style which suits me, and there are both Angola and Regional versions as I become better acquainted with both styles.

My kicks are taking on my personality as well as my facial expressions and when/how I time movements now.

Beyond that, I've taken a shining to leading songs while playing the gunga or pandeiro (depending on which I bring to class) or even simply while clapping. My game has taken on a unique flow that only I can create...and I love it!

A few weeks ago, my instructor put me in charge of the class permanently. That's right...I'm now teaching the foundations of capoeira to people from all walks of life, and it has been quite the journey to say the least.

Before he left, my apelido was changed to signify my growth...no longer Tourinho (the little bull), I am now Touro (the bull). I am strong, I am smart, I am fast, I am agile and I am creative...these mark my game, my teaching style and what I hope to inspire in others.

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For the non-capoeira portion of my life: I am now working with a personal trainer to help bust my plateau and inspire me to greatness! I may have my own drive, but sometimes a push from others is the key.

Interestingly enough, recently in my martial arts training, I reached a level where after my third hour training, rather than being tired, I was absolutely focused and my body performed exactly as I needed it to. It is insane becuase I'd never really hit 'the zone' before, so it was amazing! Knowing that my body is truly capable of that had inspired me to train that much harder to see how far and hard I can push myself...and it is still paying off.

I'm also starting a flag football team for the local league as well as a volleyball team (I am the running back and right/front respectively) and am in the middle of getting my personal trainer certification.

It is a challenging path, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

One interesting thing somebody close to me brought up is that people think I am trying to prove something to everyone else...while that may be partially true (I really do enjoy breaking gay stereotypes), I am mostly proving things to myself. Few may understand this, but that is how it is. Competition drives me to greater self-understanding. Such is the life of an athlete.

My race, my challenge and my strength...

This was originally going to be a status update after my race on Sunday. I've decided that it should be an entire post instead...

To all of my ex-boyfriends, this is for you:

When I entered the race I ran Sunday, and when I made the playlist for that race, I thought this would be about you. I thought I had something to prove to you.

I was wrong...the race was about me, and there were some things I needed to prove to myself.

Mile 10...Collide was the first song that played and the tears flowed behind my sunglasses. That song in particular brings out a lot of pain to me...its the one that one of my ex boyfriends dedicated to me right before he cheated on me and left me; that's why I picked it at that part of the course. It reminds me of what a very particular ex did to me, something incredibly painful that had haunted me since I was 20.

Mile 10 is the toughest physically and it became that emotionally to me as well...that's my way of dealing with things. I ripped my emotional wounds open again and I realized that you all may have thrown me aside thinking I was worthless (and in many cases told me as much)...but I'm not. I finally came to the realization that I may just be too good for you all now...I've grown so much and maybe my inner strength (that I didn't see, but everyone else did) scared you because you all knew I wouldn't 'need' you, so you felt the need to hurt me first. And at that point, I didn't know my own strength, so I let you have control over me and little by little, I became more and more bitter, angry and jaded.

I finally realize why all of this happened...and I cried as I ran that mile. Not because my legs hurt, not because my muscles were locking up...no, because while the wounds I bear were torn open and raw, and this time they're finally starting to heal the way they need to.

What you all did to hurt me stuck with me for so long and made me so bitter; the lies, the cheating, saying you loved me when you didn't mean it, hitting me (yes, I had some boyfriends who hit me...) and the mind games...I may be a little love-jaded still, but I won't let what you hurt me anymore. I can't live life that way. Your actions, your words...you aren't allowed to have that power over me; I'm reclaiming it all.

I am in control now, not you. I am better for all of this, and I'm too good for you now. One day you'll regret it when you see what I become and what opens up for me as time goes on.

Just to be an asshole; what did you do this weekend? Sleep? Read? Maybe work or see a movie? Something 'normal?' Well, I fuckin pushed my limits and body harder than ever before and shattered yet another barrier I thought I had. I proved that yet again, I have no limits except those I impose on myself while you sat on your asses.

It was just me during that 13.1 miles; and I wouldn't have it any other way.