Workout fuel...

Disappointment. Pain. All the times they said you can't. All the times you feel you failed. All the problems you have with yourself, your image, your actions...all of it. All of your frustrations.

The list above has a lot of things that can be destructive...and they're all what's on my mind right now. Instead of falling back to some of my old habits, I'm using them as fuel for my running.

After he texted me and we ended off, I ran about five miles to clear my head and just get it out. All the negativity and self-doubt are fuel to make myself better now...it hurts sometimes when those wounds are ripped open, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and figure out how to put things together in a positive way.

A lot of athletes I've known have been in the same boat. To some degree, we're all trying to prove our worth to others and often to ourselves. In many ways, we're our own worst enemies, focusing on the negatives to the exclusion of the positive. There is a lot of negative, that's a given, its part of life, but then again maybe things are meant to be.

I may be down for the count, but I'm not out. Like I always do when I fall, I will pick myself back up, dust off and keep on going. I'll turn this pain into something positive and I'll be better for it. Yeah, it gets tiring having it happen as many times as it has, and sometimes I wish things were easier...but then again, nothing worth it in life is easy. Maybe finding a decent guy, like getting in shape and improving my mile splits and sparring, will take a lot of work on myself before it happens. If so, then maybe, just maybe, the work and wait will be worth it.

I feel like maybe I should end this on a positive note, so here's a shameless self-esteem boosting song. Hopefully, I find my own spark within and let it out for the world to see...