When it all falls apart...just run and find your limits...then exceed them

So, this past week has been a maelstrom in my life and its just not over yet.

The guy I was seeing ended it off, then was on a date the very next day. That fuckin hurt, to say the least, because I let myself open up and like him. I've pretty well kept myself closed off to people because if I open up like that, I end up getting hurt; I already have enough scars to last a lifetime and I don't really need more. He commented on one of my facebook posts asking if I was okay because I seemed down and out. Told him I was okay. What I meant to say was "no, I'm not fucking okay. Life is going to shit, I'm fucking hurt and I don't know what to fucking do, so instead I'll just train hard and punish myself because that's all I know how to do." I figured that wouldn't have helped anything, so I just left it and called it good.

So this week, I went on a date with a guy...and we have nothing in common. So yeah, strike out number one there. Another wants a benefits situation and while I'm attracted, I think it might be a bad idea right now, simply because I want more but I'm in that place where wounds are still fresh and I don't want to hurt anyone...the joys of dating in Spokane, eh?

To top it off, my manager is breathing down my neck and borderline harassing me and my finances are shit for another couple weeks. At least there's a light at the end of one of those tunnels...right?

So, to deal with it all, I've been training with a higher intensity than normal. I hit the gym last Sunday to blow off some steam, then ran five miles after I talked to the guy I'd been seeing. He probably never guessed he's the cause of those five miles...
I trained at work throughout the week, but upped my weights this week. It felt good breaking those limits. Thursday, I tried a cardio kickboxing-style class at my gym and loved it. I'm going back for more...throwing elbows and knees at an invisible opponent is second only to using a heavy bag. Great way to blow off more steam.
Friday, I worked out with Cash and because I was so hardcore into my circuits and finished early, we did some killer ab work that made me throw up after. Yep, second workout this week I threw up from; I'm pushing that hard. And I like it.
Ran six miles last night and another four this morning. I may end up hitting the gym later, but will probably take it a little easy on myself because there's no sense in overtraining and injuring myself.

Working out the frustration, the insecurities, the rage, the self-hate, the problems with the world...just run and push those limits. Its all you can do.

Workout fuel...

Disappointment. Pain. All the times they said you can't. All the times you feel you failed. All the problems you have with yourself, your image, your actions...all of it. All of your frustrations.

The list above has a lot of things that can be destructive...and they're all what's on my mind right now. Instead of falling back to some of my old habits, I'm using them as fuel for my running.

After he texted me and we ended off, I ran about five miles to clear my head and just get it out. All the negativity and self-doubt are fuel to make myself better now...it hurts sometimes when those wounds are ripped open, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and figure out how to put things together in a positive way.

A lot of athletes I've known have been in the same boat. To some degree, we're all trying to prove our worth to others and often to ourselves. In many ways, we're our own worst enemies, focusing on the negatives to the exclusion of the positive. There is a lot of negative, that's a given, its part of life, but then again maybe things are meant to be.

I may be down for the count, but I'm not out. Like I always do when I fall, I will pick myself back up, dust off and keep on going. I'll turn this pain into something positive and I'll be better for it. Yeah, it gets tiring having it happen as many times as it has, and sometimes I wish things were easier...but then again, nothing worth it in life is easy. Maybe finding a decent guy, like getting in shape and improving my mile splits and sparring, will take a lot of work on myself before it happens. If so, then maybe, just maybe, the work and wait will be worth it.

I feel like maybe I should end this on a positive note, so here's a shameless self-esteem boosting song. Hopefully, I find my own spark within and let it out for the world to see...