When it all falls apart...just run and find your limits...then exceed them

So, this past week has been a maelstrom in my life and its just not over yet.

The guy I was seeing ended it off, then was on a date the very next day. That fuckin hurt, to say the least, because I let myself open up and like him. I've pretty well kept myself closed off to people because if I open up like that, I end up getting hurt; I already have enough scars to last a lifetime and I don't really need more. He commented on one of my facebook posts asking if I was okay because I seemed down and out. Told him I was okay. What I meant to say was "no, I'm not fucking okay. Life is going to shit, I'm fucking hurt and I don't know what to fucking do, so instead I'll just train hard and punish myself because that's all I know how to do." I figured that wouldn't have helped anything, so I just left it and called it good.

So this week, I went on a date with a guy...and we have nothing in common. So yeah, strike out number one there. Another wants a benefits situation and while I'm attracted, I think it might be a bad idea right now, simply because I want more but I'm in that place where wounds are still fresh and I don't want to hurt anyone...the joys of dating in Spokane, eh?

To top it off, my manager is breathing down my neck and borderline harassing me and my finances are shit for another couple weeks. At least there's a light at the end of one of those tunnels...right?

So, to deal with it all, I've been training with a higher intensity than normal. I hit the gym last Sunday to blow off some steam, then ran five miles after I talked to the guy I'd been seeing. He probably never guessed he's the cause of those five miles...
I trained at work throughout the week, but upped my weights this week. It felt good breaking those limits. Thursday, I tried a cardio kickboxing-style class at my gym and loved it. I'm going back for more...throwing elbows and knees at an invisible opponent is second only to using a heavy bag. Great way to blow off more steam.
Friday, I worked out with Cash and because I was so hardcore into my circuits and finished early, we did some killer ab work that made me throw up after. Yep, second workout this week I threw up from; I'm pushing that hard. And I like it.
Ran six miles last night and another four this morning. I may end up hitting the gym later, but will probably take it a little easy on myself because there's no sense in overtraining and injuring myself.

Working out the frustration, the insecurities, the rage, the self-hate, the problems with the world...just run and push those limits. Its all you can do.

Workout fuel...

Disappointment. Pain. All the times they said you can't. All the times you feel you failed. All the problems you have with yourself, your image, your actions...all of it. All of your frustrations.

The list above has a lot of things that can be destructive...and they're all what's on my mind right now. Instead of falling back to some of my old habits, I'm using them as fuel for my running.

After he texted me and we ended off, I ran about five miles to clear my head and just get it out. All the negativity and self-doubt are fuel to make myself better now...it hurts sometimes when those wounds are ripped open, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and figure out how to put things together in a positive way.

A lot of athletes I've known have been in the same boat. To some degree, we're all trying to prove our worth to others and often to ourselves. In many ways, we're our own worst enemies, focusing on the negatives to the exclusion of the positive. There is a lot of negative, that's a given, its part of life, but then again maybe things are meant to be.

I may be down for the count, but I'm not out. Like I always do when I fall, I will pick myself back up, dust off and keep on going. I'll turn this pain into something positive and I'll be better for it. Yeah, it gets tiring having it happen as many times as it has, and sometimes I wish things were easier...but then again, nothing worth it in life is easy. Maybe finding a decent guy, like getting in shape and improving my mile splits and sparring, will take a lot of work on myself before it happens. If so, then maybe, just maybe, the work and wait will be worth it.

I feel like maybe I should end this on a positive note, so here's a shameless self-esteem boosting song. Hopefully, I find my own spark within and let it out for the world to see...

I really am my own science experiment...

So today I decided to mess around with my nutrient timing and intake to see what effect it had on my workouts.

I had a pre-workout meal at 10:00 for my 12:30 workout and it didn't make a huge difference that I noticed. Then again, my lunch workouts are pretty easy; basic weights for 30 minutes focused on specific areas (today was shoulders/arms) and 20 minutes of vinyasa yoga aimed at runners (help open up those damned hips and lengthen those damned hamstrings). The recovery meal seemed to help a bit, which was nice.

So I had a meal at about 4:30 or 4:45 for my evening workout along with a snack at 7:15, 45 minutes before that workout. The evening workouts are always killer because they're the circuits my trainer came up with, and today was no exception. Burpees w/pushup and barbell push/press, pullups with mixed grip (one hand over, other under), barbell front squats, kettlebell lifts and reverse incline crunches. Yep...gonna be feeling it in the morning, but I love it!

I tried NO Xplode a week or so ago, but got sick because I tried it on an empty stomach. I'm thinking of trying it again, along with a preworkout meal about an hour before my workout; mostly carbs with some protein. I think it'll really help make me a bit less sluggish for the workouts and might help make them a bit more intense, which is always fun.

Very frankly, it has been a hell of a week with work and some personal matters, so I welcome any distraction from it all, even if I end up hobbling around like an old man the next day because of the soreness. That last part was a joke and dripping with sarcasm in case any of you missed that.

Anyways, a couple songs that helped bring out some of what's going on inside of me so I could channel it out into my workouts (see, working out can be therapeutic):





Well, that's really all I have. Tomorrow is another lunch run on the trail and maybe a longer run in the evening if I'm up to it. If not, some heavy bag work and bodyweight martial arts type training/cardio.

On knowing my own strength...

Know your own strength.

That's the line from my gym, Gold's, and it is everywhere in their advertising and the motivation posters throughout the actual gym itself. I've even saved and printed a few for my desk at work.

Looking around, I decided to list a few things that remind me of my own strength and why...some more positive than others, but all are there and all have shaped who I've become and who I will be.

1) My gym membership keychain. The first major step I took to healing after a three-year long relationship ended. I was joined by a friend who was in a similar spot and one who had been there. To this day, that gym is my space. My ex worked out there for a while, but didn't feel right. That's because it really is my space. Now I have a trainer there who pushes me to the brink, and I'm finding out I'm stronger than I ever thought before.

2) My green sash. A year and a half ago, I never thought I'd take up a martial art, much less progress as I have. My sash is proof; everything I've learned is mine. I own it and it cannot ever be taken away.

3) My yoga mat. My sanctuary. It is here that I started finding inner peace through physical measures, and those lessons have only been expanded upon. No matter what else I do, I always return to my yoga; it relaxes, nutures and re-invigorates me.

4) My playlists. I have a few for the gym and one for each race I've run so far...I'm working on one for my next race as well. They all reflect what was going on in my life when they were made and are frozen in time; reminders of my motivation and what makes me tick.

5) My Missoula half-marathon medal and photo set. My first 13.1 mile run, my pain, my glory, my insecurity, my triumph. Nobody will ever be able to take away what I did that day and nobody will ever be able to claim ownership of those 13.1 miles I ran.

6) The memory of those six faint lines on my left upper arm. Memories of an action I'm not very proud of; the time I hurt myself because of someone else. It wasn't anything more deep than a cat's scratch, but they were self-inflicted. A reminder of when I was weak and didn't know better and a warning never to sink that low again.

7) My dog tags. I've had a pair since I was in 9th grade and recently had a replica of that set made to wear daily (I don't want to lose my originals). They remind me of the years I spent in turmoil because of where I was, who I was and who I was attracted to. They remind me of the physical and mental gains I had in those four years of AFJROTC and my transformation into the leader that I am today. Others saw in me what I did not see in myself and they threw me into positions I didn't know I could handle, but I did and that was when I first discovered my strength.


I am a renegade athlete; I train for myself and generally by myself. Yes, I dabble in team sports. The training I do most, my running and martial arts, are individual, and many people cannot fathom that. They can't understand training on your own or having to push yourself to the extreme. They cannot ever know what makes an athlete like me tick because we function on a different level than they do. They enjoy the camaraderie of their sport, knowing their place and playing it well, then celebrating victory with their teammates. I never have that and will not by choice. My victories are entirely my own, my ranking up in martial arts is mine and mine alone. The path I choose is almost spiritual in nature; it really is only me out there when I'm running. The world ceases to exist and I am in my own space, dealing with my own problems and forcing the pain into the back of my mind as I keep going along the path. It isn't weird to me to go for a run at midnight or any other 'strange' time because it is how I deal with things. I don't ever expect that anybody will understand how I tick, and I am okay with that. Still, I offer this fleeting glance into the workings of my mind...when I have next to nothing in my bank account, when I have to borrow from an ex because of problems, when I have nothing else left going for me, I still have my strength and every day I find out how strong I really am.

My race, my challenge and my strength...

This was originally going to be a status update after my race on Sunday. I've decided that it should be an entire post instead...

To all of my ex-boyfriends, this is for you:

When I entered the race I ran Sunday, and when I made the playlist for that race, I thought this would be about you. I thought I had something to prove to you.

I was wrong...the race was about me, and there were some things I needed to prove to myself.

Mile 10...Collide was the first song that played and the tears flowed behind my sunglasses. That song in particular brings out a lot of pain to me...its the one that one of my ex boyfriends dedicated to me right before he cheated on me and left me; that's why I picked it at that part of the course. It reminds me of what a very particular ex did to me, something incredibly painful that had haunted me since I was 20.

Mile 10 is the toughest physically and it became that emotionally to me as well...that's my way of dealing with things. I ripped my emotional wounds open again and I realized that you all may have thrown me aside thinking I was worthless (and in many cases told me as much)...but I'm not. I finally came to the realization that I may just be too good for you all now...I've grown so much and maybe my inner strength (that I didn't see, but everyone else did) scared you because you all knew I wouldn't 'need' you, so you felt the need to hurt me first. And at that point, I didn't know my own strength, so I let you have control over me and little by little, I became more and more bitter, angry and jaded.

I finally realize why all of this happened...and I cried as I ran that mile. Not because my legs hurt, not because my muscles were locking up...no, because while the wounds I bear were torn open and raw, and this time they're finally starting to heal the way they need to.

What you all did to hurt me stuck with me for so long and made me so bitter; the lies, the cheating, saying you loved me when you didn't mean it, hitting me (yes, I had some boyfriends who hit me...) and the mind games...I may be a little love-jaded still, but I won't let what you hurt me anymore. I can't live life that way. Your actions, your words...you aren't allowed to have that power over me; I'm reclaiming it all.

I am in control now, not you. I am better for all of this, and I'm too good for you now. One day you'll regret it when you see what I become and what opens up for me as time goes on.

Just to be an asshole; what did you do this weekend? Sleep? Read? Maybe work or see a movie? Something 'normal?' Well, I fuckin pushed my limits and body harder than ever before and shattered yet another barrier I thought I had. I proved that yet again, I have no limits except those I impose on myself while you sat on your asses.

It was just me during that 13.1 miles; and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My first race...

It was exhilarating, exciting and exhausting. And I did it!

I got downtown an hour early and was freezing my ass off. Looking around at all the people, I kinda got nervous, wondering if I could hold my own. To top that off, I ran into emo Steve-o (bitchy ex) and he just glared. Can we say asshat?

So the line started moving and I got to the start line. I made a fist with my right hand, thumped my left pec and took off. I did that at each mile...twice if I was going back to running after a brief walking break to pump myself up. I managed to run most of the course, too...taking a brief break to relieve myself around mile 2, walking part of mile 5 (the hill) and walking part of mile 6 to save up for a strong finish.

The miles flew by and Doomsday hill is truly a bitch. I WILL run the entire hill next time!

I have to admit, as a gay man, I do feel the need to prove myself sometimes. Most guys think that all gay men are flamboyant, sissy-ish and can't do sports...so the minute they hear I do any kind of athletics, they assume I play like a girl. Along with proving some things to myself, I just proved yet again that gay dudes are men, too...we can hold our own athletically. I know I can.

At the same time, mile six was very emotional for me. I've dealt with a lot over the past year, and am still dealing with some lingering issues about myself, but during that mile, it became tangible that I would finish this race. Then mile seven came and went, and I saw the finish line. I crossed it and made my way downtown...then it all hit that I had done it. My first 12k in under an hour and a half. On my own. A year ago I wouldn't have made it...there was no way. I was a different person then. Content, yes, but soft. I've grown a lot from the pain and turmoil; it is making me stronger. I'm able to do things I never would've imagined, and I am succeeding at them. This success, this proof that I can do it, these moments of self-worth are something that nobody can ever take away from me. These are my successes...facing the world alone, odds against me, I am making my own way.


Edit: my official stats:
http://bloomsdayrun.org/results/ResultDetail.asp?Bib=29285&YEAR=2010

I knew the Nike+ was off (doesn't account for elevation and a few other things; gonna use this to calibrate it), so it figures the pace was off, but for a first-time without any training for it other than walking a few miles at lunch, I think I have respectable results.

Bloomsday playlist

Even though we're not allowed to have iPods or anything on the course, I came up with the following playlist. The first three miles are kind of slower BPMs to keep me pacing well, then I plan to walk mile four. Mile five starts out with a pick-up song to get me ready for Doomsday hill that comes up around then, the rest of the songs have a faster pace than the first three miles, but not by much (I want to keep a fairly good pace throughout the whole thing), then I finish on Paranaue. The two songs after are for when the endorphin rush hits.

Mile 1:
Eye of the Tiger - Survivor
I Got a Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
Empire State of Mind - Jay Z feat. Alicia Keyes

Mile 2:
Ray of Light - Madonna
Mr. Brightside - The Killers

Mile 3:
Blue Light (original ver.) - Jake Benson
Rave Techno - DJ Mangoo
Over You - Daddy DJ

Mile 4 (the rest mile):
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship
Tik Tok - Ke$ha
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga

Mile 5:
Je Ne Sais Quoi - Hera Björk
Manboy - Eric Saade
Kom - Timoteij

Mile 6:
Still Waiting - Sum41
This is My Life - Eurobandið
Stronger - Britney Spears

Mile 7 (the wall):
Mortal Kombat Theme - The Immortals
Capoeira de Sao Salvador/Quem Vem La - Mestre Suassana
Don't Stop Believin' - Glee Cast

Mile 7.5 (last leg):
Paranaue - Only the Strong OST

Victory:
Like a Prayer - Glee Cast
All Things (Just Keep Getting Better) - Widelife

This race, like all of my other athletic pursuits, is very cathartic for me. I'm not going into the reasons why, but I'll say this: I need to prove some things to myself. This is one of them.